Sunday, December 5, 2010

from the beginning continued (part 2)

In a previous post i talked abut how from the time i was very little i had this drive, this desire within me to submit and obey Women.  it wasn't until i hit puberty and on through high school did i realize that what it was i desired was D/s & BDSM with a Female Supremacist... a Mistress.  i want to make it clear that all of my exposure to such was purely coincidental.  i was never directly exposed to such content by a parent or relative.  Rather i would come across moments in mainstream media and film that i would connect with and find instant desire for.  One example of being inadvertently exposed to the "idea" of Female dominance was seeing the 1987 film "Real Men" with John Ritter and Jim Belushi.  It's a cookie cutter comedy from the 1980's.  You know the kind, about an hour and a half and for most people, instantly forgettable.  But for me, it was one of the first times i saw a "Dominatrix".  Of course this was a "comedy", but for a brief scene where Jim Belushi's character picks up a Woman in a bar and they go back to Her place.  Unbeknown to him however, She is a Dominatrix and She makes him Her slave for the evening.  She was smarter than him.  She restrained him, referred to him as slave, whipped him when he didn't submit and he liked it.  So did i.  Yes it was a comedy and the scene was supposed to be humorous, but i was not laughing.  i was watching something i desired.  Treatment from a Woman that i desired. 
Another instance that peaked my interest in male submission was my senior year in high school.  There was a girl i was fond of who sat across from me in one class.  She showed me attention regularly.  She sat one row up and one over from me and all during class She would be turned back to me.  Everyday in class She would borrow my best ink pen.  i had more than one, but She always wanted the best one.  Of course, i let Her have it.  But instead of writing, She would act like She was spanking it, dominating it, all while seductively looking back at me and saying She knew i liked it.  She knew it.  How, i don't know but there i am in class fully erect under my desk.  Anyway, She was way too fast for me (at that time in my life) so nothing came of it.  Even though She invited me to Her work (She was a waitress) and She said She'd get me anything i wanted on the menu free.  it was an open invitation, but i was so nervous, so i never showed up.  To this day i wish i would have, but oh well, i was just a nervous submissive boy.  There was also a time She hit me hard on the ass with a book in a school hallway, and when i turned around it was Her and two of Her girlfriends laughing at me.  i was humiliated but i had this incredible desire to kneel before them and serve them too.  There are many more instances through these particular years in my life that molded the way i knew i was deep inside.  Too many to list here.  i hope whoever reads this looks at this and sees someone who is genuinely in touch with his submissive desires.

back talk

What would possess a slave male to back talk its Superior Female counterpart?  Any Superior Woman for that matter?  This piece of shit did just that the other day and it didn't even realize it had done that until it was being reprimanded, scolded, put in its place and assigned this blog entry as a punishment.  It should never matter how far into subspace a slave is, it should have the mental capacity to know that it is not its place to back talk, especially when it is being given a compliment by a Mistress.  Unfortunately, this one is guilty of such.  In a conversation with a Superior Woman the other night i was given the compliment that i was "sweet", which any slave male should be happy to receive.  But instead of replying "Thank You, Mistress" this pathetic piece of shit said: 'i don't want to be sweet... i want to be a groveling lowlife piece of shit".  There are so many "WRONGS" with that reply to number.  This one WAS in a deep subspace at the time so i will admit, the compliment threw me off and my reaction was more of an impulse, but that is still no excuse.  i should have never responded like that.  i believe a slave should have the mental capacity to reference where and who it is at all times, not act on impulses, but to take a second and think about what its Superior would want.  How She would expect one to reply to Her, or obey an order from Her or even please Her without a direct command.  This all ties in with one simply being mindful of one's place in the order of things.  i am inferior to a Woman and i should accept any and all declarations they make about me, especially a compliment.  Do i feel shame in what i have done.  Yes i do.  Until that point i had been on good terms with this Mistress.  She had been pleased with my behavior.  That instantly changed with that response to that compliment.  i will be honest however.  i gained so much respect for Her with Her instant correction.  She was so fast and struck like a cobra with Her lecture about my "place" and "how i am supposed to speak to a Superior Woman".  Back pedaling was not what i did.  i listened and took it like a slave should, replying with "yes Goddess" after "yes Goddess."  After all, She was right.  She is ALWAYS right for that matter, but this was the first time i was exposed to Her demeanor as a disappointed Mistress.  i can't imagine what would have happened had i been in front of Her.  i know i would regret ever back talking Her.  i do regret it anyway, but i mean REALLY regret it.  With one's face being slapped or one's ass being turned the rosiest of reds.  i really don't know what She would have done.  i do hope She tells me, because i would like to know what i face for stepping out of line should i ever have the pleasure of kneeling before Her in servitude.  Ah, servitude to a Mistress as sharp and strict as this is an amazing and exciting idea.  i do seek such from an Owner.  i feel more at home when the Mistress is not passive aggressive, but rather strict, to the point, unwavering and all knowing of Her complete Superiority.  These are the most attractive qualities in a Mistress.  The Mistress i back talked to obviously has these qualities.  She is very experienced in Female Supremacy and male inferiority.  Having Her put me directly in my place the other night, and to inflict instant punishment upon me, makes me tremble with submission.  i had until midnight tonight to complete this punishment entry but here i get up at 7 am to start writing to try and please Her and get back in Her good graces.  Which is what a male slave SHOULD do.  There are so many of us, and so many of them.  Meaning slave men to Dominant Women ratio.  in reality i feel all Women are 'Dominant" they just probably haven't accepted this because of upbringing or societal views.  But perhaps one day more of them will make their presence known, and more of us slave men with have real direction and purpose in life.  It isn't a pipe dream, it can become reality.  A word of warning however.  Don't back talk a Superior Woman ever.  you may end up doing or experiencing something worse than a writing assignment.  you may experience that She isn't your Mistress anymore.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

From the beginning...

From the beginning of my life, i have always felt submissive and inferior to Females.  i can remember as far back as 3 years of age and some of the thoughts that would go through my head in certain situations.  One of the first was my Mother had a Friend who had a little boy my exact age.  he was rowdy and disobediant and She would spank him, yell at him and threaten him with some outrageous punishments that would have the proper authorities arrest Her in this day and age.  i was always witness to this.  i couldn't understand why he would not just obey Her and please Her.  She was his Mother, She was his Superior and it was his place to honor Her and obey Her.  Although Her parenting skills would be gasped at today, i would witness this and think that it was what he deserved.  Sometimes, even though i behaved, since i was with him during his shenaegins, i would be threatened with punishment too. "Don't let me catch you acting this way or i'll beat your ass" woud be said sometimes and you would think this would put fear into a child... but it didn't.  Even at that young age i would think that probably i deserved much of the same... in fact i wanted it, but didn't want to disobey any orders or "act up" to get it.  Did i make mistakes?  Of course i did and i would be punished much the same... and it felt right.  i always knew i deserved such and i wanted it so.

Later, when i was old enough to go out and play it turned out i lived in a neighborhood full of little girls.  Oh there were a few other boys, but the neighborhood was literally dominated by girls.  They would play with us boys in boy like games, "cops and robbers" and such, and i would always allow myself to be captured and incareracted by the girls in the backyard fort.  it would pain me to have to pretend to not want to get caught with the other boys when from the start, i wanted to surrender and accept my fate at their hands.  When i would be placed into the fort with a guardess watching me, i would feel just right and honestly i would think it would be cool to live like this.  To be a captive of a Woman.

Obviously, as a child, one doesn't undertand that they have a slave mentality, an inferior male mentality, but rather they just don't think its strange.  It takes getting older, going through puberity and stumbling onto TV, Movies and Publications that expose one to such.  This is where my understanding of who i was on the inside started it's realization.  i will expand on that in my next post.  i have been instructed by a Superior Woman to make 4 posts covering my evolution as a slave male.  This was part one.  Hopefully i won't get any BS from anyone over who i am.